How I Look at the Stars

I’ve been holding onto this feeling
Of hot tears damned behind dry eyes
For days now, and the pressure builds.
There’s this rattling in my chest
When I inhale sharply, anxiety
Spreading out from my lungs to my heart.
I hold no expectation of healing –
This I’ll feel and fight and accept for life,
For the tears will return once the dam breaks
And the chest will hold my fears
Until the final hollow breath –
But I can hope for peace,
I believe I deserve peace
With who I am and how I feel pain.
With how I feel joy.
With how I look at the stars at night
And wonder how my light would shine
If we could all be seen
As beacons of our essence.

My Brain, My Heart, My Hate

Want to know what it’s like to live inside my head?
‘WORTHLESS! YOU’RE FUCKING WORTHLESS!
You are not successful.
You are nothing more than a suck – a mooch.
You are undeserving of love.
You are unworthy.’


I hate myself often.
I hate that this is how I’ve chosen to live –
Anxious, always anxious, always –
I hate this is how I’ve kept myself safe.


I don’t know where to go from here.

A Song for my Ex

I was daydreaming when I thought of you
Fell into my mind from the ocean blue
Fell into my mind just like you owned the place
Locked all the doors and now I can’t escape


For forty days and forty nights at sea
Trapped by the tides this swelling apathy
I wish that I could just get over you
I wish you hadn’t found somebody new


I always heard now baby what’s the rush
I always hurried through the gentle hush
I always heard that sometimes love is tough
I always worried I’m not good enough


And now you’re here and now I’m fading back
Invisibilia we’re all shades of black
Invisibilia now I hold it true
Invisibilia was I seen by you


Is this the way that it has got to end
An exposition of my deeper sin
A declaration for the barren men
A gust of wind around the river bend


Fuck you for saying that I must let go
That I am hanging on a fraying rope
That I am less and without empathy
That I am love without security


So at the end is this now where we start
Drenched in the sorrow of my bleeding heart
Drenched in the envy of my loneliness
A search for truth and not for happiness


I am ashamed that I still dream of you
Rising up from my subconscious blue
Rising up just like you own the place
Locked all the doors and now I contemplate


That maybe I was never held by you
That maybe I was never told the truth
Maybe I’m all I need to set me free
Could love be more than what you gave to me

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