loneliness

My Brain, My Heart, My Hate

Want to know what it’s like to live inside my head?
‘WORTHLESS! YOU’RE FUCKING WORTHLESS!
You are not successful.
You are nothing more than a suck – a mooch.
You are undeserving of love.
You are unworthy.’


I hate myself often.
I hate that this is how I’ve chosen to live –
Anxious, always anxious, always –
I hate this is how I’ve kept myself safe.


I don’t know where to go from here.

A Song for my Ex

I was daydreaming when I thought of you
Fell into my mind from the ocean blue
Fell into my mind just like you owned the place
Locked all the doors and now I can’t escape


For forty days and forty nights at sea
Trapped by the tides this swelling apathy
I wish that I could just get over you
I wish you hadn’t found somebody new


I always heard now baby what’s the rush
I always hurried through the gentle hush
I always heard that sometimes love is tough
I always worried I’m not good enough


And now you’re here and now I’m fading back
Invisibilia we’re all shades of black
Invisibilia now I hold it true
Invisibilia was I seen by you


Is this the way that it has got to end
An exposition of my deeper sin
A declaration for the barren men
A gust of wind around the river bend


Fuck you for saying that I must let go
That I am hanging on a fraying rope
That I am less and without empathy
That I am love without security


So at the end is this now where we start
Drenched in the sorrow of my bleeding heart
Drenched in the envy of my loneliness
A search for truth and not for happiness


I am ashamed that I still dream of you
Rising up from my subconscious blue
Rising up just like you own the place
Locked all the doors and now I contemplate


That maybe I was never held by you
That maybe I was never told the truth
Maybe I’m all I need to set me free
Could love be more than what you gave to me

What We Were Made For

Here’s the truth –
We are all alone in this world
And we as humans
Strive to create connection through community
With others who are equally alone
With others who feel as deeply
The sorrow of their intimate loneliness
With others enmeshed in the conversations
Which repeat, every day, in the hollow spaces
Between the head and the heart
With others who reach for something greater,
Some higher expression of being
Which is non-manifest in the conventionality
Of our fabricated expressions of existence.
For we were made to roam
Made to suffer in the pouring rain
Made to seek shade in the heat of the day
And to seek heat around the fire at night
We were made to love deeply the rich soil
Made to sleep beneath the trees
Made to stand on the cliff in high winds
Made to be curious about the buffalo
Made to die trying in this life
To try and form a connection with the natural world
So that we can form a connection with ourselves
So that we can form a connection with others
And embrace the voice inside our heads
Telling us we are unworthy of such love in our lives.

I am the Blood Moon

This is the feeling of the blood moon
The fear that I am a sickness
Hanging fat and infertile in the night sky
A diseased and loathesome halo of light
Wasteful and disturbed, I rise higher
To cast red shadows in the valley below
Where, there, folks spill forth from their homes
To stare, slack jawed, at me –
A pregnant spider dangling from a string
A freak on display for those who haven’t yet
Paid the price for admission to this
Painful and exposed life we live.

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