The Nature of my Deeper Sadness

There is a sort of loneliness I am experiencing
That I never wish to feel again.
It starts in the hollow of my chest
As a rattling drumbeat sounding out
The nature of my deeper sadness.
It spreads upwards, out, filling
The totality of my ribcages – full through the torso,
And its quality is one of a heavy aching,
Like no amount of love could massage away
The accumulation of scar tissue filling this space
And then higher – my throat is tight, raw,
Pulsing out the pain of my miserable, small life.
I try to swallow, and all fails me.
Higher still, my jaw, so tight, set below
Eyes which brim wet in shame
As I feel heat drop down against my nose.


I love you still, and feel the weight of rejection
Hold me hostage, a final look at mortality as I
Slip from the darkness of lonerism into
A fuller understanding of this
Present moment, and how I might harness the sadness
Controlling my actions this long and dark night.

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