Trauma

I hold it in my heart,
An accumulation or trauma –
The years of verbal and
Emotional abuse.


I feel it in my body,
A deep ache in my back,
Spasms in the thigh,
Migraines, rashes, stomach pain.


It shows as I move through life –
Master of manipulation,
Codependent in relation,
Horrified of commitment.


It grows as a sense of guilt,
Like I am a broken human
Unworthy of love or respect.
So I fold inwards, a shadow.


I wish that I could excavate
And scoop out the rot that’s inside
So I might be left with only
A hollow shell of existence.


But to cut such ties would deny
The life that has made me Me.
So I choose to embrace
The dark spots of the soul.


Deep in my shame cycle
I wade alone this long night
And smile at moments of light,
For that’s self-love shining in.


The release comes with intention,
Slow movement and focused breath,
Presence with an emptied mind,
Safe spaces to feel the pain.


It’s a small scene of peace,
Rising dawn on an alpine lake,
Before blackness takes hold again
And I sink down with my thoughts.

Yet it’s that time of clarity,
That brief pulsing ray of sun,
Which gives me hope to descend
As the pattern begins again.

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