On Differentiation
Differentiation, or the ability to hold onto oneself in the face of a system, is a core tenant of family systems therapy. This concept highlights the ways in which we move through a system (whether with friends, in a family, or a workplace) and how along the way we may fall into old patterns because the system wants to keep us in our defined roles. Together we can explore ways you can hold onto your sense of self, even within the pressures of the system.
Below you will find resources related to Differentiation.
More about Differentiation
Differentiation is, simply, one’s ability to hold onto their sense of self within the pressures of a system. Systems can apply to relationships, workplaces, and of course, families.
A few things to note about systems:
Systems work to establish homeostasis, or balance in the relationship.
This homeostasis does not necessarily mean that the balance is healthy.
Whenever there is a disturbance to homeostasis, the entire system increases its chronic anxiety.
The #1 goal of a system is to reduce chronic anxiety, which is why it is challenging to make changes in a relationship.
There are two kinds of differentiation. INTRApersonal, and INTERpersonal. Both are crucial to developing health in relationships.
Intrapersonal differentiation: the ability to balance one’s rational thoughts with their ‘irrational’ emotions.
Interpersonal differentiation: the ability to balance one’s needs for connectedness in relationship with their needs for individuality.
Often, we are attracted to other individuals and groups who share similar levels of both intrapersonal and interpersonal differentiation, ie – establishing a balance in the system. Again, this does not necessarily mean that the balance is healthy!
How do you know when you have differentiated? Think about your high school reunion. There are likely people who you connect with after several years and it’s like you haven’t missed a beat. This indicates that you still are at a similar level of differentiation, and that you have grown at roughly a similar pace. However, what about those people who you’re like, ‘How were we ever friends?’ That’s a great indicator that you are at different levels of differentiation. Again, we are attracted to other people and groups who are at the same level of differentiation as us!
You might be wondering: ‘How does one differentiate?’ Well, here is some interesting data:
We inherit the same level of differentiation as our parents / role-models from our family of origin. Yikes!
We will pass down our own level of differentiation to our kids UNLESS:
We actively work to raise our level of differentiation or,
Our kids have differentiating events in their lifetime.
To raise your level of differentiation, often it takes intentional family separation combined with structured experiences designed to increase emotional resilience / sense of self. Some examples include:
Going to therapy
Studying abroad
Overcoming life hardships in healthy and productive ways
So, here’s the important question: What happens when one person starts to grow in their own emotional development and sense of self? IE – what happens when someone starts to differentiate?
When one person starts to differentiate, the system is thrown out of homeostasis.
This increases the anxiety of the system, usually escalating behaviors at home
Like the temper tantrum your child throws when you institute a new boundary
Like the workplace drama that accompanies new departmental expectations
If one is able to maintain their new level of differentiation, then usually the system will establish a new normal and the anxiety will return to a lower baseline. The system will thus be more stable because it is at a higher level of health than before.
However, there are times when the system does not grow with the individual. Common examples include:
A child who enters counseling but their parents do not
An employee who is emotionally growing at a faster pace than his workplace
When this happens, the healthier individual has two options:
1: further separate, and hold onto their ‘gains’ – ie their higher level of health
2: give up their gains and descend back into the homeostasis of the less healthy system
That means that, as your level of differentiation increases, you will grow with or apart from your friends & family.
Differentiation Suggested Activities
Take time this week to consider the following activities related to exploring your understanding of differentiation. There are several different options for you to explore, in case one modality works better for you. Please note that your Conversation Prompts can also make great Journal Topics.
Journal Topics
What stood out most to you about this chapter? What have been your main takeaways as you consider your level of differentiation?
How do you balance your thoughts and emotions? Is there a side of the ‘intrapersonal’ spectrum that resonates with you more? What happens when your emotions are higher?
How do you balance your need for individuality, and your need for connectedness? What relationships do you find you have a higher need for individuality? What about connectedness? How does this affect your relationships?
What level of differentiation did you witness in your family of origin? What steps do you want to take to increase your own level of differentiation?
How do you see differentiation affecting your ability to manage your emotions and show up in healthier relationships?
What are some shifts you would like to introduce to raise the level of differentiation in your household?
Conversation Prompts
With your partner, family, or close friends, discuss your understanding of differentiation and how it affects how you show up in relationships.
Come up with a plan to increase your level of differentiation - this can include weekly checkins, a mindfulness practice, and continued counseling.
Experiential & Artistic Activities
Create space for yourself this week to take yourself on a date. Treat yourself to something that feels healthy and energy-giving. While on this date, consider how you can treat yourself in this way more consistently, either through a weekly ‘date night’ like this, or perhaps for several short periods of time each day.
Create an artistic representation of your family of origin, keeping the lens of focus on the level of differentiation in your household growing up.
Then, create a representation of your current differentiation in your household. Once you have manifested it, shape it to represent the level of health you are working towards in your life.
Additional Resources on Differentiation
Documents/Books on Differentiation
The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek
Family Evaluation, by Kerr & Bowen
Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch
Constructing the Sexual Crucible, by David Schnarch
Videos on Differentiation
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References
Calatrava, M., Martins, M. V., Schweer-Collins, M., Duch-Ceballos, C., & Rodríguez-González, M. (2022). Differentiation of self: A scoping review of Bowen Family Systems Theory’s core construct. Clinical Psychology Review, 91. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102101
Chun, Y., & MacDermid, S. (1997). Perceptions of Family Differentiation, Individuation, and Self-Esteem among Korean Adolescents. Journal of Marriage and Family, 59(2), 451–462. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.2307/353482
Hill, N. R. (2007). Wilderness Therapy as a Treatment Modality for At-Risk Youth: A Primer for Mental Health Counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 29(4), 338–349. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.17744/mehc.29.4.c6121j162j143178
Issenmann, T. (2020). Differentiation: Understanding adolescent and YA development and fostering individual and family growth during a wilderness program. Family Program Workshop, GA.
Johnson, R. J. (2017). Differentiation, Individuation, Dramatisation and Actualisation. Edinburgh University Press. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.3366/edinburgh/9781474416535.003.0004
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation : an approach based on Bowen theory. Norton.
Pozatek, K. (2011). The parallel process: Growing alongside your adolescent or young adult child in treatment. Lantern Books.
Schnarch, D. M. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible : an integration of sexual and marital therapy. Norton.
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage : love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. W.W. Norton.
Schweer-Collins, M., Mintz, B., Skowron, E., & Gasbarrini, M.F. (2019). Differentiation of Self in Bowen Family Systems Theory. Springer International Publishing. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8
Willis, K., Miller, R. B., Yorgason, J., & Dyer, J. (2021). Was Bowen Correct? The Relationship Between Differentiation and Triangulation. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 43(1), 1–11.