On Emotional Management
Emotional Management is a necessity for healthy, values-aligned relationships - if you can't manage your emotions, it is very hard to show up in relationship with yourself or others. By managing our emotions, we are able to think clearly in conversation, and ultimately make decisions that are aligned with our values system. Remember: As emotions go up, your ability to think clearly goes down.
Below you will find resources related to Emotional Management.
More about Emotional Management
Emotional Management can be defined as the ability to regulate your emotions, even in difficult situations. Someone who has a high capacity for emotional management is able to:
Recognize the emotions in their body as they arise (ie - recognize the ‘warning signs’ of escalating emotions)
Acknowledge these emotions and choose a coping skill
Make values-aligned decisions that are congruent with healthy communication and intentional action (ie - respond rather than react)
Sounds nice, doesn’t it? However, this is really challenging to do. We live with ever-present stress in our lives, and this affects our ability to think clearly. If you take anything away from this article, take away this: As Emotions Go Up, Our Ability to Think Clearly Goes Down.
Let’s talk about what’s going on in your brain, and how this applies to your emotional management.
Your prefrontal cortex is behind your forehead. It’s the ‘newest’ part of our brain and houses our emotional management system. This system is online and functioning so long as your emotions are within a certain bounds.
However, as emotions go up, your ability to think clearly decreases.
If your emotions overload your prefrontal cortex, it shuts off and you drop into your amygdala, also known as the ‘reptilian brain.’ This is where fight, flight, or freeze lives.
When you are in fight, flight, or freeze mode, you are just trying to survive. This is when you will say or do ANYTHING to try to get back control of the situation.
Like screaming at your partner and cursing them out
Like throwing your phone against the wall
Like shutting down and not responding to anything
Like slamming the door and grabbing the keys and peeling out of the driveway
When you have calmed down, your prefrontal cortex comes back online and you are able to think more clearly. This is usually when you think back on what you said or did in ‘Survival Mode’ and think ‘I can’t believe I said that,’ or ‘I can’t believe I did that.’ (That guilt and/or shame you are feeling is a great indicator that you have acted outside of your values.)
So, let’s pause here. First, this is normal. Survival mode is normal. Everyone experiences this. However, it is challenging to stay in a healthy relationship when you are screaming and breaking things when you become emotionally escalated. The question then becomes: How do I give myself more time before I drop into survival mode?
The answer? Get to know your emotional capacity cup!
Imagine a cup. This is your emotional capacity cup. Everyone has one. Some cups are a gallon or larger, others maybe the size of a thimble. It doesn’t matter what size cup you have, when your cup spills over you’ve lost your ability to manage your emotions (ie - your prefrontal cortex has gone ‘offline’ and you’ve dropped into your amygdala).
Larger cups take longer to spill over. It gives the individual more time to recognize the ‘warning signs’ of rising emotion.
‘Oh, I’m feeling that tightness in my chest and flush in my face. I’m getting angry.’
‘I need to step away and breathe for 3 minutes before I blow up.’
Some triggers fill the cup faster than others. These are normally connected with values. Catching your child in a lie may fill up your cup faster than them disrupting the papers on your desk. Your value for honesty is more important to you than your value for organization.
Right, but how do I grow the size of my cup? There are several ways to do this. Being here is a great way to grow it. Great job! Know that there are other evidence-based practices that have been shown to be more efficient and effective at growing the size of your cup (ie - increasing your emotional capacity) than others. My favorite method is: Mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be defined as ‘present-focused, non-judgmental awareness.’
Research shows that 30 non-consecutive minutes (5 minutes here, 10 minutes there) of mindfulness a day over just 8 weeks will change your brain scan on a functional MRI (ie - grow the size of your cup). Bonkers!
Mindfulness can be practiced through a number of modalities, which include but are not limited to:
Meditation
Breathwork
Mindful walking
Mindful eating
Yoga
Tai Chi
Etc.
As stated in the webinar, you don’t need to be a master meditator in order to achieve the neurological benefits of mindfulness. Rather, the question is how you can create a bit of space in your days at intervals that work for you in order to build in some structure and routine for a practice? A little bit a day leads to big gains over time, even though in the moment it can be hard to see the shifts.
As you are getting started with this, consider asking yourself some of the following questions:
What does my emotional capacity cup look like? Describe it, draw it, find a cup in your house that resembles it.
What are some of my main triggers that fill up the cup fastest?
What do I normally do when my cup has spilled over? Does this look different with different relationships? (ie - partner v parents v child?)
What are some ways I can start to grow the size of my cup that will work for me and my schedule?
How do I normally start to release that stress? Is this a healthy coping skill? What other coping skills might be available for me that I’m interested in?
Emotional Management work is some of the hardest, as we have been taught how to express ourselves by our families of origin and society. You deserve to give yourself more space to manage your emotions during difficult conversations and life events. Remember that it is easier to repair after a conflict when there has been no rupture!
As always, bring your thoughts to our session together and we can collaborate on a plan that works for you. And remember: As emotions go up, your ability to think clearly goes down!
Emotional Management Suggested Activities
Take time this week to consider the following activities related to exploring your emotional management. There are several different options for you to explore, in case one modality works better for you. Please note that your Conversation Prompts can also make great Journal Topics.
Journal Topics
Cup Exploration: What does my emotional capacity cup look like? What is its size? Shape? Color? (maybe pair this with an artistic expression of your cup - drawing, painting, sculpting, etc)
What are some of my main triggers for my emotions rising?
How do I show up when I am emotionally escalated - when my cup is ‘filling?’ What about when it has ‘spilled over?’ What do I typically say and do? What do I feel in my body?
What about when I am calm? What helps me feel calm?
What did emotional management look like in my family of origin? How did my father show up? My mother? Other parental figures? How am I similar to them? Different?
What are some coping strategies I know work for me? What am I interested in learning more about?
Create an ‘Emotional Management Toolkit’ of coping strategies that can work for you (1) when your emotions are rising, and (2) when your cup has spilled over.
When I look 5 years in the future, how do I want to manage my emotions?
Conversation Prompts
Talk with your partner about emotional management - what you notice about yourself. Keep the conversation ‘I-Focused’ (see the Communication chapter for more information).
Discuss how you want to show up in the relationship, even when things feel challenging or you feel angry.
Come up with a plan for how you will communicate that your cup is filling and you need to take some space (A codeword is a great tool - ‘CHEESEBALLS!’).
See if there is anything your partner can assist you with when your emotions are rising - ie, ‘I’m noticing you’re starting to show signs of being angry. Do you need to take some space and practice breathing?’
Experiential & Artistic Activities
Find a physical representation of your emotional capacity cup. This can be a coffee cup or a thermos, etc. Find one that you believe is ‘your sized cup.’ Fill another container with water. Start off by adding water to your cup representing the baseline stress you carry around with you. Take your list of triggers and add the amount of water for each trigger into your cup. Notice when your cup overflows and how many triggers it took. See if there is anything you wish to journal about this activity. Then, repeat this activity with a larger cup - one that you hope to grow into in the next year. See how long it takes for your cup to overflow.
Pay attention to times when you feel calm this week. Notice if there is a pattern or a theme. See if you can create 3-5 calm spaces a day for 3-5 minutes each time.
Pick an art medium of your choice and create an artistic expression of your emotional capacity cup.
Draw and cut out a cup and add a sliding bar to it, a representation of ‘the level in your cup.’ Carry it around with you this week (I like to turn it into a necklace) and slide the bar around to note where your emotional level is at any given moment. This is nice to have in the house so you can communicate with your family exactly where your emotions are.
Additional Resources on Emotional Management
Books on Emotional Management
Clearing Emotional Clutter, by Donald Altman
The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook, by Cullen, Pons, & Kabat-Zinn
Healing Emotions, by the Dali Lama & Daniel Goleman
The Stress-Proof Brain, by Melanie Greenberg
Full Catastrophe Living, by Jon Kabat-Zinn
The Parallel Process, by Krissy Pozatek
Videos on Emotional Management
Other Chapters in THOUGHTS/EMOTIONS/BELIEFS
Check out the Rest of the Classroom!
References
Altman, D. (2016). Clearing emotional clutter : mindfulness practices for letting go of what’s blocking your fulfillment and transformation. New World Library.
Beaudoin, M., & Maclennan, R. (2021). Mindfulness and Embodiment in Family Therapy: Overview, Nuances, and Clinical Applications in Poststructural Practices. Family Process, 60(4), 1555–1567. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1111/famp.12624
Bishop, S. R., Lau, M., Shapiro, S., Carlson, L., Anderson, N. D., Carmody, J., Segal, Z. V., Abbey, S., Speca, M., Velting, D., & Devins, G. (2004). Mindfulness: A proposed operational definition. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 11(3), 230–241. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1093/clipsy.bph077
Cullen, M., Brito Pons, G., Kabat-Zinn, J., Shoup, A., & Knabb, K. (2015). The mindfulness-based emotional balance workbook : an eight-week program for improved emotion regulation and resilience. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Findings from Duke University Reveals New Findings on Mind-Body Therapy (The Feeling of Enlightenment: Managing Emotions Through Yoga and Prayer). (2020, November 13). Health & Medicine Week, 1415.
Gambill, C., & Lineberger, M. (2009). Emotional intelligence and effective conflict management: this pair can make or break your leadership. Congregations, 36(4), 27–30.
Goleman, D. (2003). Healing emotions : conversations with the Dalai Lama on mindfulness, emotions, and health. Shambhala.
González-Anta, B., Orengo, V., Zornoza, A., Gamero, N., & Peñarroja, V. (2020). Collaboration and Performance in Virtual Teams with Faultlines: An Emotional Management Intervention. Revista Psicologia. Organizacoes e Trabalho, 20(4), 1237–1246. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.17652/rpot/2020.4.08
Greenberg, M. (2016). The stress-proof brain : master your emotional response to stress using mindfulness and neuroplasticity. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Hicks, A., Siwik, C., Phillips, K., Zimmaro, L. A., Salmon, P., Burke, N., Albert, C., Fields, O., Dorsel, D., & Sephton, S. E. (2020). Dispositional mindfulness is associated with lower basal sympathetic arousal and less psychological stress. International Journal of Stress Management, 27(1), 88–92. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1037/str0000124
Holmes, K. (2019). Neuroscience, Mindfulness and Holistic Wellness Reflections on Interconnectivity in Teaching and Learning. Interchange: A Quarterly Review of Education, 50(3), 445–460.
Kabat-Zinn J. Full Catastrophe Living : Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delta trade pbk. reissue. Delta Trade Paperbacks; 2005. Accessed January 7, 2022.
Lebel, R. D. (2017). Moving beyond Fight and Flight: A Contingent Model of How the Emotional Regulation of Anger and Fear Sparks Proactivity. Academy of Management Review, 42(2), 190–206. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.5465/amr.2014.0368
Manusov, V., & Huston, D. C. (2018). Mindfulness training in the communication classroom: Effects on communication competence, emotion regulation, and emotional intelligence. In D. Grimes, Q. Wang, & H. Lin (Eds.), Empirical studies of contemplative practices. (pp. 207–234). Nova Science Publishers.
Pozatek, K. (2011). The parallel process: Growing alongside your adolescent or young adult child in treatment. Lantern Books.
Raffone, A., Tagini, A., & Srinivasan, N. (2010). Mindfulness and the cognitive neuroscience of attention and awareness. Zygon, 45(3), 627–646.
Shaffakat, S., Otaye-Ebede, L., Reb, J., Chandwani, R., & Vongswasdi, P. (2021). Mindfulness attenuates both emotional and behavioral reactions following psychological contract breach: A two-stage moderated mediation model. Journal of Applied Psychology. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1037/apl0000878
Tang, Y.-Y. (2017). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation: How the body and mind work together to change our behaviour. Palgrave Macmillan. https://doi-org.proxy006.nclive.org/10.1007/978-3-319-46322-3
Wherever you go, there you are: mindfulness meditation in everyday life by Jon Kabat-Zinn : key takeaways, analysis & review. (2016). [Eureka].
Willard, C. (Psychologist). (2016). The science of mindfulness and compassionate presence. PESI Inc.
University of California Reports Findings in Mind-Body Therapy (A Yoga Intervention for Young Children: Self-Regulation and Emotion Regulation). (2021, June 30). Education Letter, 617.
